Starship Silliness
by Biggest-Baddest-Wolf
Summary: Just a bit of silliness thrown together in roughly 30 minutes, in which B'Elanna and Seven get married, Harry teaches Tom a lesson, Tuvok and Chakotay become very close, and the Captain... well, gets to be the Captain. R&R, if you feel like it.


**Disclaimer: **Star Trek, spin-offs and stuff are copyright of Paramount.  
No infringements intended.  
I just borrowed some stuff for this fanfic.  
So please, don't go sueing my poor broke ass... I'm not making any money here.

((Update, March 16th, 2008: Replaced a typo where Seven told the computer to beam Paris to her when it should be Kim. Yeah, I'm fast... lol))

"I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU TWO!", Kathryn yelled out while waking up.  
Seeing that her Ready room was empty, she rubbed her temples and stood up.  
"God... these two have even managed to be thrown on report in my dreams... I really have to find a way for them to finally get along", she spoke, more to herself than to the room which was empty except for herself and the furniture.  
She walked over to the replicator and ordered a strong, hot, black cup of coffee, then went back to her desk, where she looked at the pile of reports that she had been reading when she had fallen asleep.  
The majority of those reports involved her two prized pupils, sometimes individually, but most of them were about the two trying to use several parts of the ship and it's equipment to bash eachother's heads in.  
"Computer, time", Kathryn demanded between two gulps of coffee.  
"It is now 0700 hours", the computer responded.  
'_Seven wakes up at 0730. B'Elanna wakes up at 0730. Both start their shift at 0800. Oh my god it'll be half an hour to an hour until these two first bump into eachother!_', her inner voice quickly did the math.  
She quickly accessed the comm, "Chakotay, I need a quick change in today's duty rosters!"  
"HUHH! TUVOK GET YOUR THUMB OUT-- OH! Kathryn, it's you! WHEW! I just had the weirdest dream about Tuvok--"Chakotay's sleepy voice was cut off by Kathryn.  
"SHUT UP! NO TIME! Chakotay, I need a quick change in duty rosters, and I need it NOW!"  
After two seconds of eerie silence on the other end of the line, Chakotay finally answered, "Okay, who do you want changed?"  
"Seven or B'Elanna. Move one of them to the beta-shift", Kathryn answered in a hurried voice.  
"Can't do", Chakotay answered, "The crew of the beta shift refuses to work with either of them, and the alpha shift crew refuses to work if there's only one of them on duty. The alpha shift has informed me that at least with both of them on duty at the same time, they'll be too busy fighting eachother to terrorize the rest of the crew."  
Kathryn groaned, then barked at Chakotay, "Goddamnit Chakotay! Grow some balls and change the roster!"  
"Kathryn, you know that a large part of your crew used to be Maquis. You know what they'd do to my balls if I gave Seven and B'Elanna different shifts? They'd cut them off and have Neelix use them in one of his leeola root dishes, which they'd then force down my throat. I'm sorry Kathryn, but despite what everyone thinks, I'm rather attached to my balls."  
Kathryn began to panic, and closed the channel.  
'_Oh god... oh god no... just one day, God, just one day without these two ruining my whole day... I've been good, I've been a good Captain, I've earned it!_', her inner voice began to plea.  
Just when she considered getting on her knees and praying, an idea dawned.

--

B'Elanna was in a rush, wanting to get to Engineering early so she wouldn't run into Seven.  
Being this rushed, she wasn't really looking where she was going, and upon turning a corner while still fixing her uniform, she litterally crashed into Harry, who was in a similar rush to get to the Bridge before Tom would try and get his recently outed hands on the eternally-youthful eternal Ensign.  
When they crashed into eachother, their badges flew through the air and fell to the ground several feet away.  
"Harry! No time, must run!", B'Elanna offered as a quick greeting while reaching for what she assumed was her badge.  
Harry just nodded and grabbed the remaining badge, and darted off, fearing that the now openly gay helmsman would be right behind him.

Back in her Ready room, Kathryn was actually grinning and rubbing her hands.  
'_Oh yes... perfect... just perfect... Seven's steady morning ritual will be the perfect thing to make this work!_', she thought to herself.  
"Computer, three minutess after Seven of Nine replicates her jar of lubricating gel, transport Lieutenant Torres to Seven of Nine's location!", she said, unable to keep the glee from her voice.  
'_Seven will be all lubed up so she can get into that tight outfit of hers, B'Elanna will be transported in, B'Elanna will be unable to not enjoy the view, the two will get along very, VERY well, and I'll finally get some rest!_', her inner voice reasoned.  
Seconds later, the computer chirped and responded, "Lubricating gel replicated. Counting down for side-to-side transport of Lieutenant Torres."

Having found out that he had the wrong badge, Harry ran through the corridors and grabbed a turbolift to get to Engineering.  
Just as he was about to step into Engineering, he faded away in a shimmering blue light.  
When he suddenly found himself in Cargo bay two, facing a naked, lubed up Seven who gave him a smirk, Harry let out a shriek.  
"Ensign Kim, do you wish to copulate?", Seven asked him, still smirking.  
Another shriek followed, then a girlish scream, and Harry ran out of the cargo bay at a speed which would have left a Borg cube eating dust.  
Seven's smirk grew, "Computer, lock on to Ensign Kim, and beam him to my location."  
A shimmering blue light appeared in front of Seven, who took on what her studies showed to be a most promiscuous look, but as soon as she saw who materialized instead of Harry, her face froze in shock.  
"Lieuhhh... Li...", Seven's ability to speak had suddenly left the former Borg.  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN ENGINEERING, AND NAK--", B'Elanna started yelling, but shut up mid-sentence when she realized that yes, Seven was naked and lubed up, and no, this was not Engineering.  
"Llllieut... Liehhh...", Seven still stammered.  
B'Elanna tried to look anywhere but at Seven, without much luck.  
Six foot of lubed-up blonde, tall, leggy buxom babe was just too much, and it wasn't long before her mind went from a state of outrage to a completely different state.  
"Hot damn, Seven... I... ehm... can I?", she grinned impishly while moving closer.

Harry had ran all the way to Engineering, using the Jeffreys tubes instead of the turbolift now because he knew Tom would be using the Turbolift at this time as well, and after his panic over a naked and lubed-up Seven had subsided, he allowed himself some rest, to catch his breath.  
He also wondered if the same thing would happen if he'd try and enter Engineering now, so he took off his badge and slid it towards the door, to test if there was some kind of transporter trap set.  
Next he took off his uniform shirt and threw that at the door too, wanting to make absolutely certain.  
Satisfied that it had been a one-time event, he walked over and bent to pick up the shirt and badge, when a voice suddenly caught him by surprise.  
"Harry! Oh my what a delightful surprise!", Tom's voice sounded.  
His panic rising again, and knowing what Tom would be aiming for, Harry instinctively shot into an upright position, turned and ducked, sending a fist forward, all in one fluid motion.  
"KIAAAAAAAA", he yelled out, remembering bits and pieces of the karate-training he had gone through as a kid.  
Tom doubled over, grabbing his crotch and squeeking.  
As soon as Tom hit the floor, Harry leapt behind him and followed up with a swift kick between Tom's legs.  
Then Harry again panicked, realizing that he had just thorroughly destroyed his former best friend's family jewels, and ran like hell.

In cargo bay two, something completely different was happening.  
"Lieutenant Torr-", "SSSSHHH... and call me B'Ellanna", "But...", "After all, we're getting pretty intimate already", "But Lieu... I mean, B'Elanna, we can't--", "Oh, but we already are, Seven", the verbal exchange between the two women had been going on for a while, but now quieted down.  
In it's place, came moans, groans and sighs... with interludes of giggles that were most uncharacteristical for both Seven and B'Elanna.

--

Back in the Captain's Ready room, Kathryn had finally managed to get a few hours of sleep, when the door hissed open.  
Kathryn quickly shot up from her desk and muttered something about keelhauling people who interrupted a sleeping Captain, then she saw who had entered.  
Seven, looking ragged and bruised, and B'Elanna, looking much the same as Seven.  
Behind them, Chakotay and Tuvok walked in.  
"Oh for god's sake! Can't ANYTHING make you two get along?", Kathryn threw her hands up in defeat.  
B'Elanna was about to answer, but Seven beat her to it, "Captain, there will be no more fights between us."  
Kathryn totally missed Seven's tiny grin when she said it, and barked at Seven, "Oh, like that wasn't promised during the last three-hundred and twelve times that you two were on report!"  
B'Elanna stepped forward, "Captain, we're not on report this time. We just...", a huge grin formed on B'Elanna's face, big enough for Kathryn to finally notice.  
Seven cut in, "We are here to formally request that my alcove will be moved to the Lieut--", B'Elanna glanced at Seven, who quickly corrected, "to B'Elanna's quarters. We also requested the presence of Commanders Chakotay and Tuvok, who are, after yourself, the highest-ranking officers onboard Voyager."  
Things finally began to fall into place in Kathryn's mind, "You two... you're... going to..."  
B'Elanna finished for her, "Yep. We're getting formally married. Getting hitched. Tying the knot. We already took the Klingon oath in Cargo bay two."  
Seven added with a widening smirk, "Three times."  
"Well, I never expected my plan... I mean... I never expected this to happen!", a baffled Kathryn said with a somewhat forced grin.  
"Neither did we", B'Elanna shot back.  
Seven leaned over Kathryn's desk and whispered, "Captain, B'Elanna also informed me that the next time you teleport someone to my location while I'm not yet fully dressed, not even a whole month with me lubed up would be enough to stop her from bashing in that person's skull."  
Kathryn's eyes widened, and B'Elanna let out a howling laugh.

--

Two hours after giving the new couple her blessings, Kathryn sat down in her command chair.  
Before she could give her orders, she heard Tom snap, "Bitch. I'll kick your shapely butt for what you did."  
Thinking it was a case of Tom being pissy over her part in bringing Seven and B'Elanna together, she leaned over to Chakotay and whispered, "Tell your old Maquisards to sharpen their knives. A certain helmrat doesn't seem to be too attached to his nuts."  
Harry, who was just close enough to hear most of what was whispered, grinned and thought to himself, '_I really should tell them what happened. Yeah, first thing tomorrow morning._'

_... And so, everyone lived happily ever after.  
Even Tom, or Tamara, as she is called today, because after being castrated she went for the full sex-change operation.  
Tuvok and Chakotay had a few bumps to iron out, until the Vulcan applied Vulcan nerve pressure techniques to Chakotay's prostate.  
_


End file.
